‘When a Knight won his spurs in the stories of old, he was gentle and brave, he was gallant and bold.’ I wonder if Sir Keir Starmer ever sang the old hymn, podgy hands on crossed-legged knee when at primary school in the Stakhanovite front-lines of 1970s Surrey? Presumably not, given how ill-suited the epithets therein are to his demeanour. If there had been any doubt as to the nature of Sir Keir’s real character, today’s Prime Minister’s Questions laid them to rest.
The PM droned on about how pleased and proud he was of Labour’s record on women MPs. Next to him, the Chancellor looked sadly at her feet
It was always going to be a tricky session after yesterday’s Welfare Bill Apocalypse. Observing the government’s attempted handling of the rebellion has been like watching a fire at a circus. Stakes were also high for Mrs Badenoch; this was less an open goal and more a yawning chasm. She was being asked to take aim at a veritable Grand Canyon of incompetence.
It was a pleasure to see the Leader of the Opposition take up this column’s long-time identification of ‘toady of the week’. She named and shamed Paul Waugh as such, who had asked a question quoting a constituent in fits of rapture about how wonderful Labour was. And there was me thinking he was MP for Rochdale, not Pyongyang. Mr Waugh looked shocked as Mrs Badenoch called out his invertebracy, pulling a face like Frankie Howerd having his gast flabbered.
This was probably one of Mrs Badenoch’s best PMQs. Much of it though, was not so pleasant to watch. She turned to the Chancellor. ‘Labour MPs are briefing that she is toast. She is a human shield for his incompetence’ she snapped. ‘Will she still be in post at the next election?’
Sir Keir did his usual porcine bloviation: Mrs Badenoch was (his favourite word) ‘unserious’, so much so that he quite ‘enjoyed answering her questions actually’. He then sputtered out a laundry list of his government’s alleged successes. As he did so the Chancellor looked up at him like a faithful dog that had been taken out to the woods. She waited for his support in vain. Tears began to flow. It was painful to watch.
That Rachel Reeves has been out of her depth is clear, yet there was tangible pity for her across the house as she wept during Sir Keir’s answers, having looked as if she’d been crying before. With the Chancellor sitting right next to him, tears visible on her cheeks, the Prime Minister blithely drove the knife in. Sir Keir refused to guarantee her position. It was like the ending of Of Mice and Men.
Behind the Speaker’s chair, a group of female Labour MPs looked over with real concern at the Chancellor. Behind the PM’s back, his deputy looked over with real hatred at the Prime Minister. I have attended many PMQs over the years and this one had the most uncomfortable atmosphere by a country mile.
‘This government is incoherent and shambolic’ Mrs Badenoch concluded; not her words but those of the Labour MP for Liverpool Wavertree. She even took aim at the contents of the London Zoo amphibian tank behind the PM, pointing out that ‘the whips can’t get them through the lobbies, but they can get them to cheer at the right time.’
After this high drama, the final toady ribbit from the backbenches came from Newport East MP Jessica Morden. It was the 97th anniversary of the Equal Franchise Act and so the 264 female MPs had received sashes from a campaign group. After a session where one of them had received slashes from the Prime Minister this felt like exactly the sort of substance-lite virtue signal which we have become used to seeing as a disguise for the government’s uglier side.
The PM droned on about how pleased and proud he was of Labour’s record on women MPs. Next to him, the Chancellor looked sadly at her feet. As soon as the Speaker called the end of the session she got up and rushed away, comforted by her sister, without a word to Sir Keir.
The man might well be a knight: but his sense of chivalry and honour were notably absent today. As the hymn – sort of – goes: ‘back into story-land, giants have fled, the knights are no more and this government is dead.’
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